One thing I know through all the years of suffering from depression in various forms.
It is so much easier to stay in it than come out of it.
It takes a lot of courage to deal with the darkness that seeps through your bones, condemning the world and yourself as a dangerous place.
People deal with it in different ways.
Some go outwards - they get angry and blame everyone else and the world around them for feeling the way they do.
I turn it in. I become my own number one enemy.
The lights go out as I feel myself sinking into the familiar black hole. This is the time to catch it preferably before you fall.
I have a whole toolbox that I have collected over the years with various ways to deal with depression and panic attacks. But sometimes, no matter what, it feels just impossible to leave.
Sadly there is a part of us that welcomes it – ‘I’m not good enough’ – ‘I might as well be dead’ – ‘I hate myself’ – how many times have we said these words.
We know what it is to be buried in darkness unable to breath & see no way out. At that moment we truly believe the world would be better without us.
You become blind to reality. You want to run away from your feelings as fast as you can.
And yes we run, but no matter how fast we go, how spectacularly we distract ourselves - there we are with ourselves …every time.
My darling husband said I should write this article today – because I am just climbing out of that place. The last of the residue is still there but now my toolbox has comeback into focus.
Today I am a warrior – I can face my ego – I know it is I, and not my ego that holds the true power.
I can ride my imaginary white horse above the black clouds. I can see that yesterday and the day before were tainted with fear not truth.
We all have our Achilles heal. And doesn’t Ego know it.
Ego is so clever – it can take existing stories inside our heads and bend them & twist them, until they feel like facts.
I worked for years on becoming aware, catching thoughts before the caught me.
But there are so many factors to depression.
Yes, you have to be vigilant with your thoughts – we are what we think.
Yes, you’re stomach is your brain – we are what we eat
And obviously when you are tired, ill or worried, you are more susceptible to doubt.
And yes those hormones have a lot to answer for!
I think its important to be aware, that it’s not your fault - Sometimes, you just can’t just snap out of it.
We are all different, our brains are all wired differently.
You are so very, very brave to have to deal with it.
The secret is not to fight it and I know that’s easier said than done.
My mother says no one sees the sky as blue as we do – the contrast is so huge.
One of the questions I ask myself when I am in the thick of it – can I see anything good in my life? – if the answer is no – I know I have gone there and I am not seeing my truth.
I remember when I first went on my spiritual path in my early twenties.
I read the ‘You can heal your life’ Louise Hay book and someone said to me – 'you know when you get on this path you won’t be able to get off'.
How right they were.
It is the path of the un-doing – the path of removing layers – releasing old patterns – letting go of old stories.
Many daren’t look. They have their feelings locked up in a casket. They will do anything to distract themselves so they don’t have to journey into the shadows.
However I wouldn’t swap a moment of my pain for all I have learnt. I think compassion is one of the most beautiful of human traits.
At the end of the day we like to be seen.
But the most important person to be seen by is you ..
I think when you have mastered that and you can walk through the shadows and keep hold of your power then no one can take it away.
So stay strong my friends ... stay strong ... and as Leonard Cohen said 'There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.